Come Sail Away!

Listening to one of my favorite Styx songs, "Come Sail Away" is inspiring me to a take a trip in fantasyland! Maybe a cruise somewhere on the open waters?? I hate the idea of cruises, but in my fantasyland today, the cruise will be Speedo and cookie-cutter activity free!

Dream with me!

Bermuda could be nice...

Oh! But Venice is more up my alley!!

I would have to have a fruity drink or two or three...

A beach sunset would be divine!

Well...back to reality. Ho-hum! Fantasyland was fun while it lasted!!

-N

Wearing My Husband's Clothes

When it comes to clothing to wear around the house, my husband's clothes absolutely cannot be beat. Take my very outfit at this moment: an old XXL blue shirt (that isn't even ours!! Mr. N borrowed from our brother-in-law for a basketball game) and a pair of gray mesh shorts.

I usually stick to my own bottoms, but I've recently discovered that men's shorts have better coverage. Coverage? You wonder... Let me explain: I am not a fan of underwear. Yes, I wear it when I'm out and about...but when it comes to the privacy of my own home...BUH-BYE PANTIES! So when I say that men's mesh shorts cover better than those Victoria's secret hooker shorts, you see why that's a plus for me.

Sometimes I wonder what single gals wear around the house...do they simply wear all of their own clothes? I wonder if I could donate some of Mr. N's old comfy clothes that I don't need anymore. Maybe I should start a single girl's needy collection. But, I regret, it won't work. The reason why I love this outfit so much, is because it belongs to my love.

-N

Mustache Woes

Yes, I have a mustache. No, I do not call it "upper lip hair" because that is just stupid. It's a mustache. Usually, I just bleach it because it is easy, cheap, and pain free. But the past few months or so, the little blond hairs are getting on my nerves! So today marks a historic day in the life if M...I'm waxing this bitch!

Wax terrifies me. My mother never did it, and I'm just a shaving kind of girl. But we all know we can't shave our face like the boys do, so wish me luck! Updates will follow...

-M

Meet Lady Lazy

Lady Lazy is based on a real girl living in America today. Although the details of her essence may seem like utter bullshit, the facts are based on pure reality.

Quick Facts on Lady Lazy:

~Mother of a toddler
~Recently split from her ATM...I mean husband
~No job
~Lives with parents
~A bankruptcy and a foreclosure...all before her late 20s.
~Proud Republican
~Credit card debt totaling tens of thousands of dollars

Ahh yes. Lady Lazy is yet another friend of N and M...well, used to be friend. Her ridiculousness got to the point where we simply could not support her any longer. It's strange how these psuedo-friendships develop over time. Until one day when you wake up and realize this "friend" of yours represents everything you hate. Take a look at that list up there again. In the crisis our country is in today, Lady Lazy took it upon herself to rack up so many credit cards that someone with three times her income wouldn't be able to stay afloat. And then...POOF!...the bankruptcy fairy came and erased it all. Easy Peasy!

Lady Lazy had to have the best of everything. IE: the most expensive brand names that she not only didn't need, but could not afford. It's fair to say that Americans with these spending habits are responsible for the recession, in my opinion.

So ladies, remember: If you can't afford it, you probably don't need it. If you have to charge it, you definitely don't need it. And if you have to fill your house you can't afford with material things that you can't afford to feel better about yourself, get some help! Or you may end up divorced, broke, and bitter.

-M

Credit Cards are Evil!

I know it may seem like credit cards can be a semi housewife's best friend...but in my experienced and humble opinion, they can make a housewife single faster than you can say, "Charge that Louis Vuitton!"

My parents were never fans of credit cards, so I was never raised with the phrase "charge it" in my vocabulary. However, as I got older, I noticed that more and more girls, single or not, were charging everyday expenses.

For example, I have a friend who is living so beyond her means I watched her charge a Burt's Bees chapstick in a drugstore once. WTF? This wasn't because she didn't have the $3 cash on her like you may think, it was because she had to conserve her cash for other purposes and could not afford to spend it on her lips.

The bottom line is, if you can't realistically pay your credit cards off within 6 months, you should probably get your ass away from Old Navy, TGI Fridays, or any other idiotic place you are going to waste money you don't have.

We can't talk about credit cards without addressing a character who will be appearing on this blog from time to time, called Lady Lazy...

-N

The Office Season Finale Tonight!

Season 5 of "The Office" starts soon! I can't wait! By far my favorite show on television. I wonder what cliffhangers we will be left with. I will update with my thoughts during commercials and after the show.

UPDATE #1:

I love that Pam is good at volleyball! I also love when they leave the office for outings...it always means something crazzzzy is going to happen.

UPDATE #2:

Who wants to play Dunder-Mifflinaire??

UPDATE #3:

Pam's prego!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-N

True Blood...Yum!

"True Blood" is a new-ish show on HBO (it came out Sept. 2008), and I've gotten hooked. After that Twilight bullshit debacle, I swore off all this vampire frenzy stuff. I didn't read the Twilight
books, so I never got obsessed like some people *cough* M *cough*, therefore thought the movie was utter shit.

Since Mr. N has been sick, I've had plenty of time at home to work. Yesterday, I was bored working at home, so I searched my HBO On Demand section and found the entire first season was available. I started them up...and 6 episodes later I was hooked. I usually love most of the HBO shows, so it's no surprise I like "True Blood."

One of my favorite characters is Lafayette...a black, gay Southern man who doesn't take shit and cracks me up! Check out this awesome scene:



It seems like I fell for it just in time...because the second season starts soon! Sookie, Sookie now... :)

-N

And Speaking of Slim...

I had to add my two cents on Slim. I don't think all single girls are necessarily stupid, but I think they sometimes do very stupid things. Slim is sweet, pretty, funny, and financially independent. For a while she was living the dream single girl life, having fun and not having to answer to anyone. But all of a sudden she apparently wants...dun dun dun...a relationship. With a guy who always tells her that is the last thing he wants. And apparently she is still Facebook-stalking her obviously homosexual ex.

The frustration from this has led me and N to compile a little list for you single girls from some helpful married women:

1. Having sex with someone does not make them your boyfriend. In fact, if they know they can have sex with you without that label, good luck!

2. Don't ask your non-single friends for advice when you don't want to hear it. Yes, we are going to tell you that moving in a with a guy that you have been dating for 6 months whom is currently jobless is probably a bad idea.

3. Don't forget that we need you too! Just because we are in good relationships doesn't mean that we don't like to go out and get drunk too! And if your boyfriend breaks your heart, you'll need your friends to pour vodka down your throat and tell you what a douchebag he is. So don't forget us!



And remember, not all single girls are stupid! I'm sure there are some that want to bang their head against the wall as often as I do.

-M

Mommy Be Back

I'm so pissed at what has become the "Jon & Kate Plus 8" scandal! I actually used to watch this show...as did M, so don't let her lie to you. I thought that even though they were absolutely insane at times, they were a solid family. Well...as all "reality" shows relationships do, this one is on a Pennsylvania trash heap.

It looks like fame-whoring got in the way of the marriage, and now eight kids will be the ones who are fucked up because of it. Why do people get caught up in fame and money so easily? This bitch really wasn't that famous until her husband got drunk with a teacher. But, as an embarrassed fan of this show, I saw the signs at the end of last season. Kate was always off "on business"...IE: fame-whoring herself out. Can't we just be happy with what we have?? Even if it isn't much??

So...Kate is going to have to heed some advice from my man Chris Rock: "You have to teach your kids more words other than, 'mommy be back.'"

By the way...tell this bitch her hair isn't cute. Seriously...reverse mullets are not the new "thang."

-N

Meet Slim

Why is a friend of N and M (we'll call her Slim from here on) heartbroken because her gay ex-boyfriend got engaged to a girl she hates?? I mean, come on...you are convinced he is homosexual and you hate the girl....so shouldn't we be celebrating?

Sometimes single girls are so desperately pathetic it makes me want to vomit...

-N

Pussy Fights

About four months ago, we got a "New Girl" at work. You know how it is when the new person starts at work! So much to learn! What are they really like? However, she continues to be referred to as New Girl because she is still the center of everyone's attention and countless rounds of gossip. Four months later. In case you haven't guessed, I work with mostly women.
Here's the lowdown so far: No one likes New Girl because she is so young, and therefore a complete moron. Never mind that some of them were raising families at her age. And also, New Girl likes to party. SHOCK! GASP! HORROR! The little hussy! And now, New Girl and so and so are getting prety friendly. What are they really up to?

Yes, that is what these women are consumed with. Its upsetting to me as a young woman that the fairer sex still, regardless of age, run in tight and unwelcoming cliques. And will always be nasty to the young and pretty girl.

We as women have made some far strides this year...Michelle or Hilary anyone? But until we stop this odd hatred and judging of each other...will me make it much farther? Lets try to start being honest with each other, shall we?

"Hey, you ate the leftovers in the fridge with MY name on it! What the hell!!" is a healthier way to talk to each other than saying its no big deal and calling you a selfish bitch under my breath when you walk away, right? Or asking your married friend if sex really does stop after you get married, instead of wondering but never daring to bring it up. I hate to say it, but men really beat us in the Communicating With Our Own Kind Department. Don't worry, we will always have Cooking and General Compassion. Women need each other to lean on and talk openly with, now more than ever.

I hope that this blog will be able to help women in that sense. We can come here with our thoughts and not be judged or gossiped about. Tough questions such as...when the hell is N gonna get laid??? Will someone send her a dildo or something? Damn!

-M

Sick Husband

Mr. N is sick and has been for the past two weeks. He most likely requires a routine surgical operation to alleviate his discomfort. What sucks is that this operation may not happen for a week or longer...which brings me to my selfish concern: When is the next time I will get laid?

Selfish, yes. But you can't tell me other wives haven't gone through a similar selfish line of thinking when their husband required a procedure. It's been 16 days and I'm finding that I am already irritable. Can I last 16 more?? Woe is me...and my vagina.

- N

Welcome to The Semi Housewife!

Welcome to The Semi Housewife's blog! You are entering the realm of two semi housewife women...let's call them N and M...who's lives revolve around their men. You will find however, that N and M are not the typical Stepford wives at all...

- N & M