Sunday, May 17, 2009

Meet Princess Orange

Princess Orange is a real life person living in a year-around fantasyland of her creation. Princess Orange is a person I cannot escape, as she is family by marriage. I've known Princess Orange for almost a decade, and have watched her evolve into her current state.

Quick Facts on Princess Orange:

~Maintains her orange glow all year long
~Bought a Cadillac while unemployed and living at home
~Is obsessed with Tiffany jewelry
~Routinely wears all clothing 1 to 2 sizes too small
~Bought a condo and ALL new expensive furnishings and electronics, while planning a huge wedding she's not paying for
~Appears to be fake both inside and out
~Master manipulator of those who hold the purse strings

It seems that Princess Orange has a lot of people fooled. Most people don't care to go much deeper than the surface, which is just fine for her, as there isn't much beyond her surface. She is all about appearances...the best car, the best jewelry, the best tan (I can't even type that with a straight face), the best house, the best furnishings, the best EVERYTHING. Her quest for a material oasis has shown to take up most of her energy, because she has none left to work on herself as a person.

Princess Orange has been infected with the me, me, me virus that many young women in America have inevitably suffered. If it doesn't do something for her, Princess Orange simply ain't doing it. Her selfishness is almost at the sociopathic level. Don't believe me? Read on...

A couple of years ago, Princess Orange decided that her current boyfriend just wasn't cutting it. He was about to go on another tour in Iraq and his combat pay was running out from all those trips to Tiffany's. All of Princess Orange's family and friends were marrying off before her eyes, so she decided that's what she wanted. Buh-bye slut, party-girl persona, hello wife persona.

Right after Princess Orange convinced Army Boy to marry her, she dumped him. Oh wait...she dumped him right after she rekindled her romance with an ex-boyfriend (we'll call him X). This is the same ex-boyfriend she cheated on with Army Boy when they started their relationship the previous year. Needless to say, it is unknown if X really has any idea about the details of how their relationship ended the first time or how it began now.

After about a year, Princess Orange put the pressure on X to propose. After a big fight over her obsession with it, he finally proposes in a extremely cheesy Christmas scenario, with a gaudy cocktail ring no less. At this time, she is dividing her time between officially still living at home, and realistically living with X, but not paying for shit. This goes on for some time, until Princess Orange decides apartment living is for losers, and she must have a brand new condo of her own. But wait! The condo won't be enough...she needs a complete furnishing of the ENTIRE condo. Nothing old can be reused! On top of this, we can't forget that Princess Orange must also have a huge gala wedding in the fall.

So what's a selfish bitch to do when your life is hanging by a credit card string? Call Mummy, of course! One problemo (ok, maybe several)...Mummy is about to retire. Mummy also forked over a lot of moolah in an ugly divorce a couple of years ago. Mummy is also trying to sell her house in this fucked up economy, and not to mention, is finally happy and getting serious with a luvah of her own. Does this phase Princess Orange? FUCK NO! In the Princess Orange master manipulation game, Mummy decides to push back her retirement, and most likely her relationship, in order to cater to Princess Orange's fantasyland life.

The wedding will be in the fall, but as a close family member, I really know nothing about it. I'm not sure if this is because of my bitchy comments of honesty that have been made throughout the years, or simply because I'm living far away from Princess Orange's fantasyland world and her dull mind can only see what's in front of her. But rest assured...the Princess Orange and X wedding will be covered at length in the fall!!